My Threesome with Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules
Last night my roommates were flipping through Netflix as I prepared a pungent tuna salad to bring into work tomorrow when they stumbled across Xena: Warrior Princess. Naturally, an ironic discussion began on whether we should watch an episode because it’s probably so bad it’s good. Like that one time we jokingly put on The Cobbler, starring Adam Sandler, but then we ended up watching the whole thing…and really enjoying The Cobbler. Which, after Election Day, was the second worst thing that happened to me in 2016. Admitting this is my greatest embarrassment.
Anyway. Xena: Warrior Princess. The first episode’s opening credits are rolling. We’re all like, “Who would you rather fuck: Xena: Warrior Princess? Or Hercules? Like as in the late 90’s live-action TV show counterpart to Xena: Warrior Princess?” We’re all having trouble deciding which we would pork so I’m like, “I would fuck them both, at the same time.” In my head I’m like, no you wouldn’t you big prude, stop trying to sound tough, you can barely join into conversations with your closest friends about sexual encounters. Like, even if I did have a threesome that went well, I would still bury it 6 feet deep into my subconscious and only dredge it up when I forgot my headphones and a book to read on the subway, forced into my thoughts, sometime in the not-too-distant future.
So here I am laughing about having a threesome with Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules, but then I start thinking about the actual event. What would it actually look like if this were actually happening?
There we are: Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules — two absolutely ripped, powerful, classically attractive demigod figures, muscles glistening with a thin layer of dew, scantily clad in some pretty unpractical armor if you ask me — and then me: a pasty, moderately attractive, body like a ziploc bag filled with yogurt, woman from New Jersey who talks to her cat more than normal.
We’re all in this kind of like primitive/medieval hunting-lodge-esque bedroom on a giant four poster bed made out of elk horns, with blankets of wolf fur and fox pelts. Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules begin to undress, their naked bodies are somehow tan without any tan lines, their asses both like a horse’s hock — taut and whinnying. Then I begin to undress. First I take off my socks but my feet kind of smell because the sneakers I was wearing got wet in the rain a few days ago. Then I take off my sweatshirt and my jeans. Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules are both watching me and it’s making me feel really nervous and insecure so I keep on the underwear I’ve had since 7th grade that I for some reason refuse to throw away even though they’re all stretched out at this point and also my bra, because I don’t want them to see how flat I am. I blow out the only candle in the room so they definitely won’t be able to see my tits or my cellulite. Then we all start some light kissing a little bit, a lil’ light petting, really easing into it because Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules can tell I’m kind of uncomfortable. But soon I’m getting myself into it by repeating in my head that this is totally cool, it’s hot, it’s an experience just go with it Syd, don’t worry just be in this moment.
Now it’s really heating up and the three of us are going at it like two hungry kids after a victorious soccer game both going at a tube of Gogurt. I’m the Gogurt. Then I start to get into my head again and I’m like, holy shit, I can’t believe I’m actually a part of a threesome right now I feel really weird about this and I feel like I’ll never be able to look my parents or any of my relatives in the eye again. Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules can totally feel this vibe radiating off of me and kind of begin to phase me out. Suddenly I’m no longer a piece of this three person puzzle. I’m kind of just laying there next to them as their absolutely torn-apart muscles bulge and quiver and I try to finish myself off but I’ve totally lost it at this point. I go over to light a fire in this humongous hearth, but I don’t see any newspapers nearby that I can start the fire with and I don’t want to bother Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules, you know, ruin their moment, or let on that I don’t know how to start a fire so I just kind of rummage around by the fireplace, moans erupting from the conqueror’s bed.
Suddenly this like page or like sell-sword or something walks into the room holding an oil lamp and a stack of scroll. He was coming in because he couldn’t find Hercules and there were some kids from the nearby village who came by because they want to get his autograph or something, but when he saw the steaming sexual scene happening in Hercules’ bedroom he was like, oh oops, and kind of backed out of the room. He left the oil lamp and the scrolls behind because this happens all the time with like, kids in the village, so Hercules would know what the scrolls were for when he and Xena: Warrior Princess both finished. This is good news for me because now I have some shit to start the fire with, so I do. Then I kind of just sit there by the fire on a huge grizzly bear’s pelt but the moans and dirty talk are pretty hard to block out so I go over to Hercules’ bookshelf and check out what kind of books he’s into. A lot of shit on Olympus and Zeus and shit which is understandable, but also a lot of David Foster Wallace which I kind of eyeroll at because it’s just really predictable and phony. The rest of his books are like totally the books you read in high school english classes, which is obviously where Hercules got these books from. Like, you’re not fooling anyone with Catcher in the Rye, Hercules. Anyway, I settle on To Kill a Mockingbird which, you know, is basic but it’s a great book and I haven’t read it in a while and it just seems like an easy read while Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules go to town on each other.
After about three hours of this they finally finish each other off and I also finish To Kill a Mockingbird which is record time for me reading-wise as I’m usually a pretty slow reader. If I had reading glasses I would have totally put them on the end of my nose and then wittily slammed the book shut as they climaxed but I don’t have reading glasses.
They’re all stinky and sexed out lying in the various animal skins strewn about the bed and then they like both drift off to sleep, which seems really sudden so I’m like, I guess this is my chance to get out of here before it gets even weirder. I grab my clothes and put them on quietly and sneak out the door, closing it behind me. Then I hear Xena: Warrior Princess through the door saying something like, “finally, she left thank god” and my feelings are totally hurt and I’m completely second guessing the whole night and playing it back in my head like fuck where did I go wrong? My yogurt-y gut is telling me this isn’t really your bag Syd, like this isn’t you, you’re not some buff, sexed up action hero, you’re just an awkward, lanky, anemic looking woman who lives in Brooklyn and brings her own bag to the grocery store. You weren’t cut out for this.
A few days later I’m on the subway and I forgot my headphones and my book at home, and I’m rewinding this scene in my head. I’ll have to go into work and be productive and pretend that I didn’t have the most embarrassing threesome ever with Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules.
Back in my apartment with my roommates, we decide that we’re not really in the mood to watch an entire episode of Xena: Warrior Princess and instead settle on some YouTube videos of David Blaine doing magic tricks on rednecks.
